The Month of May.

I realize that this may be a hard blog to read - you may want to stop now. I have a millions things running through my head and they are all begging to get out. If you know me or my family you will know that the month of May is a hard month.

Today is my Momma's birthday. She would have been 58. That is so young to be gone.

The past 2 years I have slipped into a haze around May 1. I have a mood I can not shake. It leaves as quickly as the month of May.

This weekend is Mother's Day. My 3rd Mother's Day as a Mother. My 2nd Mother's Day without my Mother. My heart is still as heavy. When does it get better?

I miss her silliness. I miss hearing her gum pop. I miss her dancing in the car to the 5th Dimension while wearing her bug eyed sunglasses- before they were cool. We were so embarrassed.

I have a list of things I would give ANYTHING to have my Mom cook for me - just one last time. Last night I attempted to make salmon patties myself. It did not work out too well. When I failed, it was hard. I have been on a hunt for a cake recipe she used to make me for my birthday. She had found it either on a Karo Syrup bottle or a Karo Syrup coupon. It was for a chocolate cake that was round and single layer. It was really dense like brownies. It had walnuts in it. She covered it in raspberry syrup. That recipe was lost and she did not remember it. I contact Karo often and never get anywhere. I miss her chicken and dumplings. I remember as a kid sitting at the table pushing it around on my plate not happy with the menu for that night. Hind sight... right.

Why is it that I can not really remember anything that was said at her funeral. I do not remember sound at all but I can replay it in my mind like a movie. I can still smell the flowers. If I pass them in the grocery store- it flashes in my mind.

I miss her so much. I think about her everyday. It has not gotten any easier- putting up the front has- but it is still so hard.

It will be 3 years the end of this month