I am one of 5 kids. I am the middle of 5 kids. I have middle child syndrome. I remember being a little girl and going into my sisters room one morning and completely dressing myself head to toe in her clothes and walking out the door to walk to school. Although I was chubby, her freshman clothes were still too big for my second grade body. Her feet were bigger than mine so I had stuffed the tips of her shoes with toilet paper. I wanted to have glasses just like her (little did I know I would in a months time) so I even found an old pair under the bathroom counter. I slipped them in my coat pocket and bundled up and walked out the front door. That morning in class sitting there in my chair wearing my sisters glasses I remembered that I had left the curling iron on in her room. I began to get worried that the house would burn down and my Mom and baby sister and brother were there. I began to cry. The principal had been in our class observing and had gotten up to leave when she heard my teacher ask me what was wrong and if I wanted to go to the hall and talk to her. In the hall I told them that the curling iron was on and that the house would catch on fire and that I was worried. The principal said she would handle it and went to her office to call my Mom to let her know. She asked my Mom why I would be so afraid of the curling iron being left on. My Mom simply laughed and said her Daddy is a fireman.
I have always looked up to my sister. I have wanted to be just like her my whole life.
In the past year I have learned that you should not put people on such high pedestals because it hurts you more than them when they fall off. Right now I feel like she is heading down a downward spiral like I did and all I can do is watch her crash and burn. I know I am her little sister but did she not learn anything from my mistakes. Maybe if she had not been loving to my face and pointing her finger behind my back she would have had a few minutes to take notes... WHAT NOT TO DO....
I am now in a hard position. I love her and my whole life all I have ever wanted is a friendship with her. We have always been spread apart in age to where that really was not possible. Then when we were both older we were spread by 300+ miles. Now we live 30 minutes away from one another and I dread it when I get a text (because you can't TALK on the phone you might get brain cancer). All I can think is what now. I have to admit she has been better since Christmas with random texts to say hi or how are you, but I can't help but wonder what is gonna come next. I have been afraid to tell her no for the fear that she won't want my friendship anymore... it is sick I know - at least I see it. I feel like as long as I have something to offer I am a friend.
Right now I am sick to my stomach thinking about all that she has had handed to her - things that we are working so hard to get. I should be happy for her but I can't be. Not when she is still asking for loans from us. She always pays us back but sometimes we do not have it to give.
I told her NO for the first time tonight. If things do not change soon I do not know what I will do. I can not continue to set here and feel used. I want my sister back. I want my friend.
