Through my Mother's Eyes.

This Christmas season has been particularly hard for me. I am not sure exactly why. I don't know if it is because everything has changed or I am turning into the Grinch the older I get. This year holidays are not the same. With Sam getting older and starting to understand we are starting to create our own family traditions. While new traditions for our little family are great I still yearn for things the way they were.

I have really been trying to be the AWESOME holiday Mom for Sam that my Mom was for me. Christmas was her thing. I would sarcastically say my mother began preparing for Christmas in June and July but if I think really hard I am sure I will remember that sometimes she did. I was really sad after Thanksgiving. I do not know if it was because we did not go home and I was home sick for my family or if it was because the meal I prepared was not as good as it is when there are many women crammed into the kitchen preparing it.

I have kicked it into high gear getting stuff done. In a way it makes me feel closer to her. I love looking at wrapping paper and this Christmas it has been my secret addiction. I have kept it under control though. I had paper left over from the years past but most of it did not survive the move. I had to get Sam a couple rolls of his favorites- Mickey Mouse and Handy Manny and then I got a few rolls of paper I thought was pretty. I could sit and wrap presents for hours. In fact I did and when I had nothing left to wrap I felt like I needed to go shopping to get more stuff to wrap. It is a sickness really.

We never got around to buying stocking for here at the house. We all have a stocking at Dad's house and that is where Santa comes so we never bought any. This year I decided that I was going to go through all of the fabric that I got when Mom died. She used to make Christmas Sweatshirts and had tons of Christmas fabric. I found a piece that had the pattern for a Santa apron that was dated 1983. I cut it up and made Sam a stocking. To me it is better than any stocking we could have bought him. It means something. Years from now he will have it and know that his mother made it for him using fabric that belonged to his grandmother. Maybe he will be as sentimental as I am and think it is awesome.

Something I realized as I was hunched over the ironing board and sewing machine is that I remember my Mother sitting and doing the same thing around Christmas. After I finished Sam's stocking I realized that the BELIEVE one I use and the cheap crap one we have for Stephen don't really don'xt go together so I am making both of us one to coordinate.

Doing things like this makes me feel closer to her.

Holiday Depression is in the Air Mixed with Peppermint, Pine, Gingerbread, and Cinnamon of Course.

We had a good Thanksgiving at home. Stephen's mom flew in and stayed with us and I cooked everything from my Thanksgivings past. We had so much left over that we finally had to draw a line and say enough is enough- NO MORE LEFT OVERS!

We put the mother in law and Sam in bed and ventured out to stand in line at Toys'r us at 10:45.

We got in at midnight and we were out by 12:30. We got some really great stuff and then headed out to sit in line at target until they opened at 5. Since we live a block away from Target we took shift going home for more coffee and potty breaks and to check on the boy. We had a great time sitting in the the cold and meeting people that were just as crazy as we are.

Friday I put my tree up and got it decorated and a few gifts wrapped and stacked under it. That is when it all set in. Christmas has not been the same the past couple of years this year will be 3 to be exact. This year is harder than usual and I do not know why. I don't know if it is because I am away from my family - away from home- away from her presence.

Our last Christmas with Mom I was big fat and pregnant with Sam. I sat in the floor in the living room and wrapped presents until my fingers hurtand legs swelled up to the point they were thighs connected to ankles. We would get up and have our coffee, get dressed and then leave the house to go battle the crowd at the mall trying to finish up Christmas shopping. I can not even begin to tell you how many hours we spent at Hobby Lobby. We would go walk around and look, touch, or break (sometimes all three) everything we came in contact with. I would finally have to put my pregnant sausage of a foot down and say I HAVE TO EAT AND I NEED TO SIT DOWN. We would head towards the door and pay for anything we had in the basket go sit down and eat somewhere and then go back to finish where we had left off. She had me decorate the tree. She laid on the couch under a blanket with Phoebe on her lap and told me where things went. During her last days she told us that I would be the one to decorate the tree because she taught me how. Christmas was so important to her that she actually thought about that when she passed in May.

.

It has not been the same since she passed. It won't be- it shouldn't be. I have tried to take my little family and start traditions so that one day when Sam is older he will remember the holidays as I do. I want him to see me as wonderful as I saw my Mom.

So it has been really hard since Thanksgiving. I get get away from it. I am sad. I am tired. I am bitchy. I am emotional. I am easily angered. I am quiet. I feel horrible because I need to be the fun holiday Mom for Sam but it is really hard. I am sure I am not making things easy for Stephen either. We have not been fighting but I know he feels it too. When is this going to get easier? How can people just pick up their lives and be ok? I think I am for the most part - it is just the big things like showers and weddings and birthdays and holidays. How do I pull myself together and get through this?

We are going to make cookies to hang on the tree this week. Mom used to make gingerbread men and popcorn balls and hang them all over the tree. They would be gone by Christmas. My sister Jessi was 1 on her 2nd Christmas (November baby) and mom had her rolling around the house in a walker. That year we had hung cookies on the tree just like every other year but that year every cookie in Jessi's reach were amputees. I know we have a picture somewhere of her up next to the tree with a gingerbread leg up to her mouth- no hands just leaning into the tree to bite the cookie. Maybe one day we will find it.

Maybe I will find a way to get out of this funk. If I don't it is not for lack of trying.

Lazarus and Which Wich.

This weekend we went and ate at Which Wich in Southlake. We were just out and about and thought we would try to eat somewhere we had never been. We pulled our honda into a parking spot sandwiched in between a Lexus and an Audi. Next to them Parked Bmw's, Acuras, and so on so our little 4 door sedan was silently singing to itself...which one of these is not like the others... which one of these does not belong...

We walk into to the restaurant not really knowing what to expect. It was a great concept and we grabbed our sandwich bag/menu and started trying to decide what we are going to have on our sandwiches... So many choices. When I was stepping up to give our orders to the lady behind the counter a man with a shiny watch leaned in behind me rested his hand on the counter and said something in an angry voice to the employees behind the counter. I started looking behind me to see what he was so upset about and saw nothing. I was not really listening to WHAT the man said but heard HOW he said it. I assumed they messed his order up or something. When he was done I stepped up tot he counter and put in my order. I saw Stephen's mood shift.

He did not tell me what bothered him so badly until we were in the car leaving Southlake. He said that he did not care for the people. He went on to tell me what the man was throwing the fit about. He said that while we were in line a beggar had come in and was going from table to table explaining that he was tired and hungry. The man was absolutely outraged that a beggar was in the restaurant that him and his silver spoon fed family were eating. The man threw a fit and was SO angry because someone had asked him for food.

My first reaction when Stephen told me this was -WHY DID YOU NOT SAY SOMETHING WHILE I WAS STANDING THERE? I would have shown Mr. Shiny Watch how to compassionately treat a person. I could not believe he acted like the jerk that he did. Now there are a couple of scenarios that would have made this situation different. 1) If the establishment were to kick the beggar out it would be their choice- But was is necessary for Mr. Shiny Watch to go tattle-tale and cause the commotion he did? 2) IF it was necessary for Mr. Shiny Watch to tattle-tale could he have done so in a more respectful manor? Could he have quietly and discreetly informed management? 3) Was he causing harm to anyone around him? There is a difference in being uncomfortable and being harmed.

Think about this made me think of the story of Lazarus. Jesus told a story about a beggar, Lazarus, and a rich man. Lazarus had begged daily in front of this rich man's house but the rich man never gave him anything. Both men died. The beggar found himself in comfort with Abraham, but the rich man was in agony in a burning fire. He was so thirsty he asked Abraham to send the beggar to get him water to cool his tongue. Abraham reminded the rich man that he was reaping what he had sowed in the way he had treated the beggar when they both lived. He refused his request.

I am curious to know if this was normal behavior for Mr. Shiny Watch. I have declined to help people- beggars. I do it politely. But also I do help them when I can.

Do you think Mr. Shiny Watch will get the water to cool his tongue? Do you think he will expect it?

Since my last post..

We took Sam to see his very first movie early Halloween morning. We got a drink, snacks, and his first bag of movie theater pop corn. He sat through 3/4 of the movie and then stood and jumped and shouted and shrieked through the last 1/4. Now he starts every morning asking if we can get in the car and go watch Meatballs.

Halloween night was less than fun. Sam was given the choice Scooby or Mickey Mouse for

costumes. He chose Scooby so we got him a great costume. He wore it once... for less than 5 minutes ... the day we got it... and he cried pretty much the whole time- but i did manage to get one picture.

Last minute we had to find a back up costume so we got him an oversized green shirt, some brown cords, and drew chin hair on him with my brown eyeliner and he carried his stuffed Scooby. AH our little Shaggy.

We have joined a play group and do various activities with them throughout the week. Since we had nothing to do for Halloween we decided to go to the planned event for Halloween in Lewisville. It was described as businesses in the metroplex coming to the park and having booths and handing out candy. We got there and had to park a 20 minute walk away. When we actually go to the park it was completely dark and there were not any lights and Sam ended up with 20-30 pieces of candy that he is not yet old enough to eat. (mostly jawbreakers and gum) I felt like a horrible parent because this is the first year he could really have fun and it sucked. We spent the rest of our evening letting him eat a happy meal and play at McDonalds.

Sunday-

We got up early and went to our first Sunday school class and church. We have been attending church at Irving Bible Church and so far so good. We have joined a class before church called the tree. Right now we are going over Song of Solomon. I am completely amazed how we go to one class and already I see a difference in our relationship. I also see a side of Stephen that I have heard about and occasionally have seen a glimmer. We had been sitting in our chair no more than 10 minutes when he has already volunteered to help out with carrying in Thanksgiving donations and helping with the angel tree. When we got home we actually started implementing the things that we discussed during the study. I am really looking forward to this next Sunday... If we are not sick.

The sickness-

It started Monday. I was loving the time change. Stephen got up earlier than normal to get ready for work. I was lying in bed with the pillow over my head trying to pretend that Monday was not yet here. Half in and out of Sleep my blood shot eyes were opened by the sound of Stephen banging stuff around in the kitchen. At first I was thinking what the... then I realized he was getting up early to make me coffee... to serve me. He got up early and tried not to wake me made coffee and set the coffee timer. He wrote a sweet note thanking me for all that I do for him and left it on the fridge. I laid in bed and waited for him to get in the shower and snuck into the bathroom and took a towel. I put a towel in the dryer for him and greeted him with it as soon as I heard the water shut off. While he got ready I made him a bagel and packed his lunch - I had forgotten to pack it the night before. What a difference it makes when you serve one another.

After he left I had my coffee and then began housework. I was feeling SO ambitious and productive... until I cleaned the ceiling fans. I got a face full of dust and it was all down hill from there. I started feeling fuzzy faced so I thought it was my allergies from all the dust. I continued to dust the entire house and vacuum and then I lost all steam. I laid down and did not move until I had to cook dinner. By the time Stephen got home I had a fever and face full of snot. Stephen has been taking care of me ever since. I have let the housework go and have been camping on the couch all week. I saw the doctor yesterday got some antibiotics and I am now on my road to recovery. Stephen is now getting sick and saw the doctor today. I am determined that I am going to make myself feel good today and get my list of housework done so I can take care of him like he has taken care of me. Then we will both get to take care of Sam because I am sure he is next... but I hope not.

Married life.

Would you believe me that after dating off and on for 4 years, a 2 year old, and moving to a different city and living together for the first time - a month before the wedding- Married life feels different.



This is something I can not explain but the funny thing is - He has told people the same thing.

We have been attending a new church since we have moved down here. Irving Bible Church. It is a BIG church. I have never been a fan of these mega churches but for some reason when we walked in it felt like we had always been there.

Sam and I have joined a play group that meets several times a week and that has been a lot of fun.

Well that is about it for this boring day. It is rainy and Sam and I have been loafing around watching DVR Blues Clues and Gooby DOO.

I guess we will now run to the store and get stuff for chilli.


more later.

The wedding is approaching

The cursor is blinking at me taunting me to just type and get everything all out. I have so much going on in my head that it can not all form into words. Maybe I will try a list.

1. My shower was wonderful. I woke up yesterday morning around 5:30 with so many feelings that all I could do was sit at the foot of the bed and cry. I was like a kid waking up on Christmas morning but at the same time I felt a panic attack coming on because since we got in so late Friday (around 2:00 am) I did not get everything that I needed to get done.

BLINK BLINK BLINK ok no list just type.

I heard my grandmother in her room getting ready to go to work. She has moved in with my Dad so that the house is not as empty. I started walking around the house not knowing what I was looking for. I don't know if I expected to find my mother in her bathroom getting ready for the day or sitting at the table drinking her coffee and reading the paper with the weather channel on in the back ground. That used to annoy me so much and for reason I do not know. I would love to have that back.

It hit me yesterday morning that it was going to be hard being in the house preparing for my shower with Mom not here. I then realized that it is only going to get harder the closer the wedding gets here. I picked up my phone to call her the other day. I had to ask her something wedding related. I realized as I started dialing and laughed to myself.

Once my shower started I was still a big ball of nerves but i was starting to calm down a bit. When it came time to open gifts I reached for a bag and in it- towels and candles and decor for our home. The next box I see is a shiny gold box. I opened it and instantly began crying. In it was a cookbook I wrote in high school for a class, a stocking I made in 1st grade, and a stack of recipes. Every single one was in mom's handwriting. At this point I am shaking so hard and can not yet speak. I go further into the box to find 2 orange bowls that were out of my mothers kitchen. My Dad gave me the best gift of all - my Mom.

I asked one thing for my shower - I really wanted recipes. I love using cook books but I want recipes from people I know. Things that they like and would want to share. They could have got it out of their cookbook - I do not care. They liked it enough to share so it was theirs. As I continued opening gifts my hands were still shaking. I began finding recipe cards in the envelopes or paper clipped to the gift bags. Every other recipe was in my mother's hand writing. By the end of the shower over 50% of the recipes I received were my mother's. They were all recipes that I had never seen before.

So lately my little boy has had a lot to say and most of the time - when it is something I never want to forget I do not have a video camera anywhere near me.

Sam has been getting up extra early for the past few weeks. It leaves his momma stumbling around the house like a zombie screaming for coffee. He has decided that he wants to drink
coffee in the morning too. Every morning he brings me his cup and asks for coffee. I will get up and make me coffee and make him a cup of chocolate milk. We then sit on the couch and enjoy our coffee together while watching some cartoon on pbs.

He becoming pretty smart these days. He loves to color and so I have been trying to teach him the color names. I bought him a new package of markers and one of the colors was brown. When I asked him what color it was he said chocolate milk. I was VERY impressed that he could relate the two




This is the train he recently drew. I am so glad I was not a passenger on that train.

I asked him the other day what animals like pigs, cows, frog, dogs, and so on say. I then asked him what Mommy says and he pointed his finger at me and yelled "Don't throw Mac - Roni on the floor!" I laughed so hard because about a month ago I made him lunch and he grabbed a handful of macaroni and cheese he was refusing to eat and threw it in the floor. I told him not to throw it on the floor and made him go sit in time out on his bed.

Moving and Wedding Plans...

Wow it has been an incredibly long time since I have written a blog... I used to be really good about writing on myspace but have since moved away from myspace and have become more of a facebooker...

A lot has changed in the lives of Stephen, Sam and me in the last few months. We have finalized out moving plans to move to Las Colinas August 1 and we have kicked our wedding planning into high gear. We will be getting married Saturday October 19, 2009 at West Amarillo Christian Church in Amarillo Tx. I have been frantically trying to tie up loose ends before we move because we probably will not come back to Amarillo until September for my bridal shower and bridal pictures. I does panic me a bit that all of the last minute touches will either have to be able to be taken care of in Las Colinas or I will have to depend on some one else to do it. In the last 2 days I have managed to get the menu planned and cakes figured out. If only the rest of the planning would go this smooth I am sure I would have nothing to worry about.