Our Little SAMFISH!

We took Sam to a 1 week long swimming lesson at Wrinkled-Feet in Carrollton. He is now a little SAMfish. The first day we were driving in the car to his lesson and all we heard was how excited he was to see his friend from soccer- Cameron.

At his lessons the parents were asked to drop the kids off for the hour and let them learn- so we had to leave. When we came back Ms. Stacie said that all of the kids had opened their eyes under water. Sam was still very excited about swimming. The next day he was still so excited that he was ready to go back by noon! When we got there we learned that all of the kids would be going completely under... we knew the excitement would quickly be gone. Sure enough he was still crying when we picked him up and he was named by the other kids in his class - the kids who cries a lot. The next few days we would get in the car to head to lessons and as soon as we got on the highway he would start crying- turn around go backwards go home. He would cry and cry some more but we dropped him off anyway and he was always happy by the time we picked him up. Today there were no tears at all and Ms. Stacie had to ask us if he was the same kid. He was such a ham ( as always) and showed off for all of the parents with cameras. Here are some videos and pictures.

Busy Busy Busy,

This month had been a busy one. We have a calendar that is color coded so that we can keep up with things at a quick glance. This month it looked like a bag of skittles had thrown up all lover our calendar.

This week I have to deep clean the house- 4 times. I will have to do it four times because I have a 3 year old son and a (3 year old) husband. My Grandmother is coming in on Thursday and Sam is excited. She will be staying the night with us on Thursday then we will be leaving Friday morning to head to Austin to see my baby sister graduate. I am still amazed that she is even old enough to graduate. I am so proud of her. Saturday on our way back home we are going to stop at Baylor to see my baby brother play baseball. Hopefully the nice coach for OSU will let him pitch. I have not see Buddy play since he was in high school.

After Buddy's game we will continue on our journey home. We will get up and go to church and then relax the rest of the day unless Maw Maw has things she wants to do. LOST finale is Sunday. They had better tie this puppy up because right now - the way I see it... the are scrambling to get everything answered.

Man- it is 9:48 and Sam is STILL sleeping. why does his do this on the week days when his daddy has to work and his mommy is up and ready to go by 8:00? it would have been nice on Saturday but NOOOOOOOOOOOOO we were up and at 'em at 7:00. Maybe I should go see if he is breathing.

We will be taking Maw Maw to the airport Monday. Then we will deep clean the house again on Tuesday. Then we will deep clean the house again Wednesday morning then we will pick up Stephen's mom at the airport that afternoon.

busy busy busy.

The Month of May.

I realize that this may be a hard blog to read - you may want to stop now. I have a millions things running through my head and they are all begging to get out. If you know me or my family you will know that the month of May is a hard month.

Today is my Momma's birthday. She would have been 58. That is so young to be gone.

The past 2 years I have slipped into a haze around May 1. I have a mood I can not shake. It leaves as quickly as the month of May.

This weekend is Mother's Day. My 3rd Mother's Day as a Mother. My 2nd Mother's Day without my Mother. My heart is still as heavy. When does it get better?

I miss her silliness. I miss hearing her gum pop. I miss her dancing in the car to the 5th Dimension while wearing her bug eyed sunglasses- before they were cool. We were so embarrassed.

I have a list of things I would give ANYTHING to have my Mom cook for me - just one last time. Last night I attempted to make salmon patties myself. It did not work out too well. When I failed, it was hard. I have been on a hunt for a cake recipe she used to make me for my birthday. She had found it either on a Karo Syrup bottle or a Karo Syrup coupon. It was for a chocolate cake that was round and single layer. It was really dense like brownies. It had walnuts in it. She covered it in raspberry syrup. That recipe was lost and she did not remember it. I contact Karo often and never get anywhere. I miss her chicken and dumplings. I remember as a kid sitting at the table pushing it around on my plate not happy with the menu for that night. Hind sight... right.

Why is it that I can not really remember anything that was said at her funeral. I do not remember sound at all but I can replay it in my mind like a movie. I can still smell the flowers. If I pass them in the grocery store- it flashes in my mind.

I miss her so much. I think about her everyday. It has not gotten any easier- putting up the front has- but it is still so hard.

It will be 3 years the end of this month

update.

Humble. Content. Loved. Excited about life. Tired. Busy. Creative.

These are a few ways to describe how life has been.

Life has been so busy with the normal day to day things that I slipped into a blah mood and it seemed like I was just going through the motions. Today I took a step back and looked at everything going on right before my eyes and had to smile.

Sam started preschool classes in March. He is gone for 2 hours 2 days a week. He as learned so much. My 3 year old knows his right from his left. That is something his Mommy still struggles with. He loves his teachers and his friends.

He also started Small Fry Soccer. If you are ever in need of a good laugh find out when the toddler league play and go watch a few games. It does not matter which goal they kick it in- a goal is a goal. His last game is a week from Saturday. Then we will start swimming lessons.

Stephen and I have been spending more time together. I guess not really more time but adult time. We have been going and sitting on the porch with a beer or glass of wine and just talking about stuff. Sometimes we actually have other stuff to talk about other than Sam. I feel like we have reconnected and it was much needed. I have never felt more in love than I am today. Tomorrow I will say the same and it will be true.

I have been sewing and getting ready for babies that are coming- no not our babies- not yet but we have been talking about it more and more everyday. It seems like there was a baby boom - I dodged it this time but most of my friends were hit. So many baby boys will be here late summer and early fall and that is exciting.

My little sister that is not so little anymore will be walking the stage at her college graduation in a couple of weeks. It does not seem like she should be old enough to drive, vote, drink, or graduate. When did that happen? I am so proud of her. I have learned a lot from her. If I could have an ounce of her determination...

Somethings in Life You Have to be a Little OCD about... or is it Just me?

The definition of JoAnna is

Jo·anna

 [joh-an-na]

–noun

a female given name. Christian. Singer. Dancer. Quirky. Stubborn. Daughter. Thoughtful. Strong. Loving. Silly. Bold. Mother and wife. Someone that tries. Not a quitter. Sister.Obsessive Compulsive.

I have some Obsessive Compulsive tendencies. Most of them are absolutely ridiculous or so I have been told by my husband, family and friends. I however disagree. Surely I am not the only person on the Earth that gags when paper towels are used to clean kitchen cabinets. I am sure that Jerry Seinfeld and George Costanza would break up for that. I can see an entire episode now...

George: "SHE CLEANS WITH PAPER TOWELS JERRY!"

Jerry: "WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE CLEANS WITH PAPER TOWELS? Is is a preemptive cleaning and she will come back to battle with a cleaning rag?"

So since I have decided to think about all this little stuff that makes me OCD quirky.

1. Cleaning with paper towels makes me gag. I can handle using them to do a quick once over before I bust out the bleach and a rag and for mirrors, tv's and windows.I have no idea why this bothers me so much but it does. The only logic explanation I can find is that they get soggy- but it also gags me when others do it and I see it?
2. I like things to be straight. I have laid in bed and had to get up to fix things that were crooked.
3. My closet is the MOST (maybe only) organized place in my entire house. See I have selective OCD. My closet is arranged from tanks,solid T's, dress shirts,graphic T's,and Dresses on the top and shorts, skirts, jeans, dress pants, long sleeved shirts, sweaters, and coats. That does not sound so crazy does it? Well here it is... I have them all grouped by the type of fabric and from there they are grouped by color and from there they are grouped what I like most. If Stephen puts my clothes up I actually know if something is not in its place.
4. When I make the bed wrinkles are not acceptable. Everything has to be even- equal amounts of hangege on all sides.It just feels so much better that way.
5. When eating I have to eat things in order. If I were to have a plate with steak, green beans, and baked potato on it I would have to eat the steak first- every last bite before I can move on to the green beans. Then I have to finish all of my green beans before I can even touch my potato. This is how I am with all meals.

Well that is all the fun I have time for for now- Duty calls... that is code for newly potty trained toddler.

Needing to Vent.

What do you do when your whole life you have been the person that everyone you love sits and waits for you to screw up? What do you do when they are right and you do screw up? I have hurt so many people in my past and done a lot of things that I am not proud of. Things that I can never go back and make right things that will hurt my loved ones forever. There is a whole in my heart because of the things I have done. Mr. Samuel Hayden is my saving grace. If he had not come along I would probably be lying dead in a gutter or be in prison. When I found out he was coming I had no idea what to do. I turned to one family member that I thought would always have my back. I thought she did but I was wrong. If I did not have my friends Mary and Kyle at that time of my life I do not know what I would have done. I do not think I have ever really told them thank you the way that I need to. Maybe one day when I win the lottery I will make sure they are set for life. Wishful thinking, I know.

I am one of 5 kids. I am the middle of 5 kids. I have middle child syndrome. I remember being a little girl and going into my sisters room one morning and completely dressing myself head to toe in her clothes and walking out the door to walk to school. Although I was chubby, her freshman clothes were still too big for my second grade body. Her feet were bigger than mine so I had stuffed the tips of her shoes with toilet paper. I wanted to have glasses just like her (little did I know I would in a months time) so I even found an old pair under the bathroom counter. I slipped them in my coat pocket and bundled up and walked out the front door. That morning in class sitting there in my chair wearing my sisters glasses I remembered that I had left the curling iron on in her room. I began to get worried that the house would burn down and my Mom and baby sister and brother were there. I began to cry. The principal had been in our class observing and had gotten up to leave when she heard my teacher ask me what was wrong and if I wanted to go to the hall and talk to her. In the hall I told them that the curling iron was on and that the house would catch on fire and that I was worried. The principal said she would handle it and went to her office to call my Mom to let her know. She asked my Mom why I would be so afraid of the curling iron being left on. My Mom simply laughed and said her Daddy is a fireman.

I have always looked up to my sister. I have wanted to be just like her my whole life.

In the past year I have learned that you should not put people on such high pedestals because it hurts you more than them when they fall off. Right now I feel like she is heading down a downward spiral like I did and all I can do is watch her crash and burn. I know I am her little sister but did she not learn anything from my mistakes. Maybe if she had not been loving to my face and pointing her finger behind my back she would have had a few minutes to take notes... WHAT NOT TO DO....

I am now in a hard position. I love her and my whole life all I have ever wanted is a friendship with her. We have always been spread apart in age to where that really was not possible. Then when we were both older we were spread by 300+ miles. Now we live 30 minutes away from one another and I dread it when I get a text (because you can't TALK on the phone you might get brain cancer). All I can think is what now. I have to admit she has been better since Christmas with random texts to say hi or how are you, but I can't help but wonder what is gonna come next. I have been afraid to tell her no for the fear that she won't want my friendship anymore... it is sick I know - at least I see it. I feel like as long as I have something to offer I am a friend.

Right now I am sick to my stomach thinking about all that she has had handed to her - things that we are working so hard to get. I should be happy for her but I can't be. Not when she is still asking for loans from us. She always pays us back but sometimes we do not have it to give.

I told her NO for the first time tonight. If things do not change soon I do not know what I will do. I can not continue to set here and feel used. I want my sister back. I want my friend.

New Year New List.

1. We have got to get Sam-bone potty trained ASAP. He understands the concept. He tells us when he wants to be changed- every 15 minutes... So why can he not just sit down on the potty and go? At this point we will be sending him to college in his bumpers.
2. We need to get this house cleaned and organized. We were so close to having it exactly as we wanted it and then life happened. We left for the wedding and came back with more stuff then we knew what to do with. So what did we do? We went and spent all of our gift cards (that our loving friends and family gave us) on more stuff that we had to have. We should have planned this better and had places for the first wave of stuff before we brought the second wave home! We will know for the future as this applies to Christmas and birthdays as well!
3. We will be healthier. Stephen and I have gained so much weight it is ridiculous. We are slowly turning into a family of weebles. (they weeble and wobble and wont fall down) We need to be more aware of the food we are putting into our bodies. Not go on a diet because diets are stupid and they do not work.
4. We need to start saving money more affectively. When we first moved here we felt like we had to go DO something everyday. Doing stuff cost money and we were never home. We were paying for our very nice apartment and very nice cable and we were never here to enjoy it. Instead we were out spending money like tourists. We have finally gotten to a point where we can stay at home all weekend and enjoy it.
5. We need to be better people- not necessarily nicer but better or smarter. We need to take care of ourselves and each other. We need to set goals and stick with them not come up with excuses of why we have not met the goals. We want to be better off this year than we were last year.
6. JoAnna wants to be better about sending Thank you cards.
7. JoAnna wants to be a better Mom. I feel like sometimes I am short fused with Sam and maybe I should interact with him more.
8. Stephen wants to be better on his follow through with things. Finish what he starts.
9. Stephen wants to find the perfect Chicken Panang and Egg rolls and Fish Sauce in the DFW area.
10. Sam needs to learn to ride his tricycle completely by himself. He was so close before it got cold. He would pedal a foot and stop and he does not quite understand the concept of turning.
11. We as parents need to be more encouraging.
12. JoAnna wants to find time to do more things I love and be more creative.
13. Stephen wants to find time to read more and go to coffee shops.
14. We want to save for a vacation, house, and possibly another baby.
15. JoAnna wants to learn to control my temper and hold my tongue. If you can't say anything nice - don't say anything at all.
16. We should spend more time outside when it gets warmer.
17. Stephen would like to be better at his job. I want to find a way to rise up to a higher position, have more responsibilities, and make more money in this economy.
18. Stephen wants to treat my family better. I want to call my Mother and Aunt more and find a way to see each other more often.
19. Stephen wants my Aunt Gretchen and Sam to finally meet this year- hopefully she can make it down in March.
20. Stephen wants to find the time to see his friends.
21. JoAnna wants to learn how to find a beat and keep it.
22. Sam needs to learn the difference in Orange and Yellow.
23. JoAnna wants to find new recipes and cook them.
24. JoAnna wants to finally get around to putting pictures in all the frames around the house- all the people that came in the frames are starting to creep me out.
25. We need to be more thankful for what we DO have and stop taking things for-granted.