Somethings in Life You Have to be a Little OCD about... or is it Just me?

The definition of JoAnna is

Jo·anna

 [joh-an-na]

–noun

a female given name. Christian. Singer. Dancer. Quirky. Stubborn. Daughter. Thoughtful. Strong. Loving. Silly. Bold. Mother and wife. Someone that tries. Not a quitter. Sister.Obsessive Compulsive.

I have some Obsessive Compulsive tendencies. Most of them are absolutely ridiculous or so I have been told by my husband, family and friends. I however disagree. Surely I am not the only person on the Earth that gags when paper towels are used to clean kitchen cabinets. I am sure that Jerry Seinfeld and George Costanza would break up for that. I can see an entire episode now...

George: "SHE CLEANS WITH PAPER TOWELS JERRY!"

Jerry: "WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE CLEANS WITH PAPER TOWELS? Is is a preemptive cleaning and she will come back to battle with a cleaning rag?"

So since I have decided to think about all this little stuff that makes me OCD quirky.

1. Cleaning with paper towels makes me gag. I can handle using them to do a quick once over before I bust out the bleach and a rag and for mirrors, tv's and windows.I have no idea why this bothers me so much but it does. The only logic explanation I can find is that they get soggy- but it also gags me when others do it and I see it?
2. I like things to be straight. I have laid in bed and had to get up to fix things that were crooked.
3. My closet is the MOST (maybe only) organized place in my entire house. See I have selective OCD. My closet is arranged from tanks,solid T's, dress shirts,graphic T's,and Dresses on the top and shorts, skirts, jeans, dress pants, long sleeved shirts, sweaters, and coats. That does not sound so crazy does it? Well here it is... I have them all grouped by the type of fabric and from there they are grouped by color and from there they are grouped what I like most. If Stephen puts my clothes up I actually know if something is not in its place.
4. When I make the bed wrinkles are not acceptable. Everything has to be even- equal amounts of hangege on all sides.It just feels so much better that way.
5. When eating I have to eat things in order. If I were to have a plate with steak, green beans, and baked potato on it I would have to eat the steak first- every last bite before I can move on to the green beans. Then I have to finish all of my green beans before I can even touch my potato. This is how I am with all meals.

Well that is all the fun I have time for for now- Duty calls... that is code for newly potty trained toddler.

Needing to Vent.

What do you do when your whole life you have been the person that everyone you love sits and waits for you to screw up? What do you do when they are right and you do screw up? I have hurt so many people in my past and done a lot of things that I am not proud of. Things that I can never go back and make right things that will hurt my loved ones forever. There is a whole in my heart because of the things I have done. Mr. Samuel Hayden is my saving grace. If he had not come along I would probably be lying dead in a gutter or be in prison. When I found out he was coming I had no idea what to do. I turned to one family member that I thought would always have my back. I thought she did but I was wrong. If I did not have my friends Mary and Kyle at that time of my life I do not know what I would have done. I do not think I have ever really told them thank you the way that I need to. Maybe one day when I win the lottery I will make sure they are set for life. Wishful thinking, I know.

I am one of 5 kids. I am the middle of 5 kids. I have middle child syndrome. I remember being a little girl and going into my sisters room one morning and completely dressing myself head to toe in her clothes and walking out the door to walk to school. Although I was chubby, her freshman clothes were still too big for my second grade body. Her feet were bigger than mine so I had stuffed the tips of her shoes with toilet paper. I wanted to have glasses just like her (little did I know I would in a months time) so I even found an old pair under the bathroom counter. I slipped them in my coat pocket and bundled up and walked out the front door. That morning in class sitting there in my chair wearing my sisters glasses I remembered that I had left the curling iron on in her room. I began to get worried that the house would burn down and my Mom and baby sister and brother were there. I began to cry. The principal had been in our class observing and had gotten up to leave when she heard my teacher ask me what was wrong and if I wanted to go to the hall and talk to her. In the hall I told them that the curling iron was on and that the house would catch on fire and that I was worried. The principal said she would handle it and went to her office to call my Mom to let her know. She asked my Mom why I would be so afraid of the curling iron being left on. My Mom simply laughed and said her Daddy is a fireman.

I have always looked up to my sister. I have wanted to be just like her my whole life.

In the past year I have learned that you should not put people on such high pedestals because it hurts you more than them when they fall off. Right now I feel like she is heading down a downward spiral like I did and all I can do is watch her crash and burn. I know I am her little sister but did she not learn anything from my mistakes. Maybe if she had not been loving to my face and pointing her finger behind my back she would have had a few minutes to take notes... WHAT NOT TO DO....

I am now in a hard position. I love her and my whole life all I have ever wanted is a friendship with her. We have always been spread apart in age to where that really was not possible. Then when we were both older we were spread by 300+ miles. Now we live 30 minutes away from one another and I dread it when I get a text (because you can't TALK on the phone you might get brain cancer). All I can think is what now. I have to admit she has been better since Christmas with random texts to say hi or how are you, but I can't help but wonder what is gonna come next. I have been afraid to tell her no for the fear that she won't want my friendship anymore... it is sick I know - at least I see it. I feel like as long as I have something to offer I am a friend.

Right now I am sick to my stomach thinking about all that she has had handed to her - things that we are working so hard to get. I should be happy for her but I can't be. Not when she is still asking for loans from us. She always pays us back but sometimes we do not have it to give.

I told her NO for the first time tonight. If things do not change soon I do not know what I will do. I can not continue to set here and feel used. I want my sister back. I want my friend.

New Year New List.

1. We have got to get Sam-bone potty trained ASAP. He understands the concept. He tells us when he wants to be changed- every 15 minutes... So why can he not just sit down on the potty and go? At this point we will be sending him to college in his bumpers.
2. We need to get this house cleaned and organized. We were so close to having it exactly as we wanted it and then life happened. We left for the wedding and came back with more stuff then we knew what to do with. So what did we do? We went and spent all of our gift cards (that our loving friends and family gave us) on more stuff that we had to have. We should have planned this better and had places for the first wave of stuff before we brought the second wave home! We will know for the future as this applies to Christmas and birthdays as well!
3. We will be healthier. Stephen and I have gained so much weight it is ridiculous. We are slowly turning into a family of weebles. (they weeble and wobble and wont fall down) We need to be more aware of the food we are putting into our bodies. Not go on a diet because diets are stupid and they do not work.
4. We need to start saving money more affectively. When we first moved here we felt like we had to go DO something everyday. Doing stuff cost money and we were never home. We were paying for our very nice apartment and very nice cable and we were never here to enjoy it. Instead we were out spending money like tourists. We have finally gotten to a point where we can stay at home all weekend and enjoy it.
5. We need to be better people- not necessarily nicer but better or smarter. We need to take care of ourselves and each other. We need to set goals and stick with them not come up with excuses of why we have not met the goals. We want to be better off this year than we were last year.
6. JoAnna wants to be better about sending Thank you cards.
7. JoAnna wants to be a better Mom. I feel like sometimes I am short fused with Sam and maybe I should interact with him more.
8. Stephen wants to be better on his follow through with things. Finish what he starts.
9. Stephen wants to find the perfect Chicken Panang and Egg rolls and Fish Sauce in the DFW area.
10. Sam needs to learn to ride his tricycle completely by himself. He was so close before it got cold. He would pedal a foot and stop and he does not quite understand the concept of turning.
11. We as parents need to be more encouraging.
12. JoAnna wants to find time to do more things I love and be more creative.
13. Stephen wants to find time to read more and go to coffee shops.
14. We want to save for a vacation, house, and possibly another baby.
15. JoAnna wants to learn to control my temper and hold my tongue. If you can't say anything nice - don't say anything at all.
16. We should spend more time outside when it gets warmer.
17. Stephen would like to be better at his job. I want to find a way to rise up to a higher position, have more responsibilities, and make more money in this economy.
18. Stephen wants to treat my family better. I want to call my Mother and Aunt more and find a way to see each other more often.
19. Stephen wants my Aunt Gretchen and Sam to finally meet this year- hopefully she can make it down in March.
20. Stephen wants to find the time to see his friends.
21. JoAnna wants to learn how to find a beat and keep it.
22. Sam needs to learn the difference in Orange and Yellow.
23. JoAnna wants to find new recipes and cook them.
24. JoAnna wants to finally get around to putting pictures in all the frames around the house- all the people that came in the frames are starting to creep me out.
25. We need to be more thankful for what we DO have and stop taking things for-granted.

Through my Mother's Eyes.

This Christmas season has been particularly hard for me. I am not sure exactly why. I don't know if it is because everything has changed or I am turning into the Grinch the older I get. This year holidays are not the same. With Sam getting older and starting to understand we are starting to create our own family traditions. While new traditions for our little family are great I still yearn for things the way they were.

I have really been trying to be the AWESOME holiday Mom for Sam that my Mom was for me. Christmas was her thing. I would sarcastically say my mother began preparing for Christmas in June and July but if I think really hard I am sure I will remember that sometimes she did. I was really sad after Thanksgiving. I do not know if it was because we did not go home and I was home sick for my family or if it was because the meal I prepared was not as good as it is when there are many women crammed into the kitchen preparing it.

I have kicked it into high gear getting stuff done. In a way it makes me feel closer to her. I love looking at wrapping paper and this Christmas it has been my secret addiction. I have kept it under control though. I had paper left over from the years past but most of it did not survive the move. I had to get Sam a couple rolls of his favorites- Mickey Mouse and Handy Manny and then I got a few rolls of paper I thought was pretty. I could sit and wrap presents for hours. In fact I did and when I had nothing left to wrap I felt like I needed to go shopping to get more stuff to wrap. It is a sickness really.

We never got around to buying stocking for here at the house. We all have a stocking at Dad's house and that is where Santa comes so we never bought any. This year I decided that I was going to go through all of the fabric that I got when Mom died. She used to make Christmas Sweatshirts and had tons of Christmas fabric. I found a piece that had the pattern for a Santa apron that was dated 1983. I cut it up and made Sam a stocking. To me it is better than any stocking we could have bought him. It means something. Years from now he will have it and know that his mother made it for him using fabric that belonged to his grandmother. Maybe he will be as sentimental as I am and think it is awesome.

Something I realized as I was hunched over the ironing board and sewing machine is that I remember my Mother sitting and doing the same thing around Christmas. After I finished Sam's stocking I realized that the BELIEVE one I use and the cheap crap one we have for Stephen don't really don'xt go together so I am making both of us one to coordinate.

Doing things like this makes me feel closer to her.

Holiday Depression is in the Air Mixed with Peppermint, Pine, Gingerbread, and Cinnamon of Course.

We had a good Thanksgiving at home. Stephen's mom flew in and stayed with us and I cooked everything from my Thanksgivings past. We had so much left over that we finally had to draw a line and say enough is enough- NO MORE LEFT OVERS!

We put the mother in law and Sam in bed and ventured out to stand in line at Toys'r us at 10:45.

We got in at midnight and we were out by 12:30. We got some really great stuff and then headed out to sit in line at target until they opened at 5. Since we live a block away from Target we took shift going home for more coffee and potty breaks and to check on the boy. We had a great time sitting in the the cold and meeting people that were just as crazy as we are.

Friday I put my tree up and got it decorated and a few gifts wrapped and stacked under it. That is when it all set in. Christmas has not been the same the past couple of years this year will be 3 to be exact. This year is harder than usual and I do not know why. I don't know if it is because I am away from my family - away from home- away from her presence.

Our last Christmas with Mom I was big fat and pregnant with Sam. I sat in the floor in the living room and wrapped presents until my fingers hurtand legs swelled up to the point they were thighs connected to ankles. We would get up and have our coffee, get dressed and then leave the house to go battle the crowd at the mall trying to finish up Christmas shopping. I can not even begin to tell you how many hours we spent at Hobby Lobby. We would go walk around and look, touch, or break (sometimes all three) everything we came in contact with. I would finally have to put my pregnant sausage of a foot down and say I HAVE TO EAT AND I NEED TO SIT DOWN. We would head towards the door and pay for anything we had in the basket go sit down and eat somewhere and then go back to finish where we had left off. She had me decorate the tree. She laid on the couch under a blanket with Phoebe on her lap and told me where things went. During her last days she told us that I would be the one to decorate the tree because she taught me how. Christmas was so important to her that she actually thought about that when she passed in May.

.

It has not been the same since she passed. It won't be- it shouldn't be. I have tried to take my little family and start traditions so that one day when Sam is older he will remember the holidays as I do. I want him to see me as wonderful as I saw my Mom.

So it has been really hard since Thanksgiving. I get get away from it. I am sad. I am tired. I am bitchy. I am emotional. I am easily angered. I am quiet. I feel horrible because I need to be the fun holiday Mom for Sam but it is really hard. I am sure I am not making things easy for Stephen either. We have not been fighting but I know he feels it too. When is this going to get easier? How can people just pick up their lives and be ok? I think I am for the most part - it is just the big things like showers and weddings and birthdays and holidays. How do I pull myself together and get through this?

We are going to make cookies to hang on the tree this week. Mom used to make gingerbread men and popcorn balls and hang them all over the tree. They would be gone by Christmas. My sister Jessi was 1 on her 2nd Christmas (November baby) and mom had her rolling around the house in a walker. That year we had hung cookies on the tree just like every other year but that year every cookie in Jessi's reach were amputees. I know we have a picture somewhere of her up next to the tree with a gingerbread leg up to her mouth- no hands just leaning into the tree to bite the cookie. Maybe one day we will find it.

Maybe I will find a way to get out of this funk. If I don't it is not for lack of trying.

Lazarus and Which Wich.

This weekend we went and ate at Which Wich in Southlake. We were just out and about and thought we would try to eat somewhere we had never been. We pulled our honda into a parking spot sandwiched in between a Lexus and an Audi. Next to them Parked Bmw's, Acuras, and so on so our little 4 door sedan was silently singing to itself...which one of these is not like the others... which one of these does not belong...

We walk into to the restaurant not really knowing what to expect. It was a great concept and we grabbed our sandwich bag/menu and started trying to decide what we are going to have on our sandwiches... So many choices. When I was stepping up to give our orders to the lady behind the counter a man with a shiny watch leaned in behind me rested his hand on the counter and said something in an angry voice to the employees behind the counter. I started looking behind me to see what he was so upset about and saw nothing. I was not really listening to WHAT the man said but heard HOW he said it. I assumed they messed his order up or something. When he was done I stepped up tot he counter and put in my order. I saw Stephen's mood shift.

He did not tell me what bothered him so badly until we were in the car leaving Southlake. He said that he did not care for the people. He went on to tell me what the man was throwing the fit about. He said that while we were in line a beggar had come in and was going from table to table explaining that he was tired and hungry. The man was absolutely outraged that a beggar was in the restaurant that him and his silver spoon fed family were eating. The man threw a fit and was SO angry because someone had asked him for food.

My first reaction when Stephen told me this was -WHY DID YOU NOT SAY SOMETHING WHILE I WAS STANDING THERE? I would have shown Mr. Shiny Watch how to compassionately treat a person. I could not believe he acted like the jerk that he did. Now there are a couple of scenarios that would have made this situation different. 1) If the establishment were to kick the beggar out it would be their choice- But was is necessary for Mr. Shiny Watch to go tattle-tale and cause the commotion he did? 2) IF it was necessary for Mr. Shiny Watch to tattle-tale could he have done so in a more respectful manor? Could he have quietly and discreetly informed management? 3) Was he causing harm to anyone around him? There is a difference in being uncomfortable and being harmed.

Think about this made me think of the story of Lazarus. Jesus told a story about a beggar, Lazarus, and a rich man. Lazarus had begged daily in front of this rich man's house but the rich man never gave him anything. Both men died. The beggar found himself in comfort with Abraham, but the rich man was in agony in a burning fire. He was so thirsty he asked Abraham to send the beggar to get him water to cool his tongue. Abraham reminded the rich man that he was reaping what he had sowed in the way he had treated the beggar when they both lived. He refused his request.

I am curious to know if this was normal behavior for Mr. Shiny Watch. I have declined to help people- beggars. I do it politely. But also I do help them when I can.

Do you think Mr. Shiny Watch will get the water to cool his tongue? Do you think he will expect it?

Since my last post..

We took Sam to see his very first movie early Halloween morning. We got a drink, snacks, and his first bag of movie theater pop corn. He sat through 3/4 of the movie and then stood and jumped and shouted and shrieked through the last 1/4. Now he starts every morning asking if we can get in the car and go watch Meatballs.

Halloween night was less than fun. Sam was given the choice Scooby or Mickey Mouse for

costumes. He chose Scooby so we got him a great costume. He wore it once... for less than 5 minutes ... the day we got it... and he cried pretty much the whole time- but i did manage to get one picture.

Last minute we had to find a back up costume so we got him an oversized green shirt, some brown cords, and drew chin hair on him with my brown eyeliner and he carried his stuffed Scooby. AH our little Shaggy.

We have joined a play group and do various activities with them throughout the week. Since we had nothing to do for Halloween we decided to go to the planned event for Halloween in Lewisville. It was described as businesses in the metroplex coming to the park and having booths and handing out candy. We got there and had to park a 20 minute walk away. When we actually go to the park it was completely dark and there were not any lights and Sam ended up with 20-30 pieces of candy that he is not yet old enough to eat. (mostly jawbreakers and gum) I felt like a horrible parent because this is the first year he could really have fun and it sucked. We spent the rest of our evening letting him eat a happy meal and play at McDonalds.

Sunday-

We got up early and went to our first Sunday school class and church. We have been attending church at Irving Bible Church and so far so good. We have joined a class before church called the tree. Right now we are going over Song of Solomon. I am completely amazed how we go to one class and already I see a difference in our relationship. I also see a side of Stephen that I have heard about and occasionally have seen a glimmer. We had been sitting in our chair no more than 10 minutes when he has already volunteered to help out with carrying in Thanksgiving donations and helping with the angel tree. When we got home we actually started implementing the things that we discussed during the study. I am really looking forward to this next Sunday... If we are not sick.

The sickness-

It started Monday. I was loving the time change. Stephen got up earlier than normal to get ready for work. I was lying in bed with the pillow over my head trying to pretend that Monday was not yet here. Half in and out of Sleep my blood shot eyes were opened by the sound of Stephen banging stuff around in the kitchen. At first I was thinking what the... then I realized he was getting up early to make me coffee... to serve me. He got up early and tried not to wake me made coffee and set the coffee timer. He wrote a sweet note thanking me for all that I do for him and left it on the fridge. I laid in bed and waited for him to get in the shower and snuck into the bathroom and took a towel. I put a towel in the dryer for him and greeted him with it as soon as I heard the water shut off. While he got ready I made him a bagel and packed his lunch - I had forgotten to pack it the night before. What a difference it makes when you serve one another.

After he left I had my coffee and then began housework. I was feeling SO ambitious and productive... until I cleaned the ceiling fans. I got a face full of dust and it was all down hill from there. I started feeling fuzzy faced so I thought it was my allergies from all the dust. I continued to dust the entire house and vacuum and then I lost all steam. I laid down and did not move until I had to cook dinner. By the time Stephen got home I had a fever and face full of snot. Stephen has been taking care of me ever since. I have let the housework go and have been camping on the couch all week. I saw the doctor yesterday got some antibiotics and I am now on my road to recovery. Stephen is now getting sick and saw the doctor today. I am determined that I am going to make myself feel good today and get my list of housework done so I can take care of him like he has taken care of me. Then we will both get to take care of Sam because I am sure he is next... but I hope not.